Saturday, August 14, 2010

Don't forget to breath.

It has been difficult to make time to write lately.

Recently I had been taking some time off dealing with and accepting the sudden passing of my mother. Without warnings, she has left very silently. Things have been really unreal and a lot of times it is still really hard to believe that these new changes are now coming to be.

She was a close friend of mine and has been a great inspiration to me. She has been a great driving force and has helped and supported me in my journey as an artist. We would have lunch every week and talk a little about what is new and I would share my new art with her.

To be completely honest, I am very very saddened by this loss. Sometimes, it feels as if my whole world has been turned upside down.

It has made me think, a lot. It feels as if life feels suddenly even more fragile.

However, me and my family both believe that her spirit is still among us and now she is in a better place.

On the day of her passing, when I had got home... there, on my bed, was my passport and all the things she had wanted me to bring with me to San Diego on my trip that week. I was at a loss of words.

I knew, then and there, that I had to keep going on this journey.

Rest in Peace, Mom. We miss you.

Thinking about all this, there really isn't time to worry and be afraid of what and how something turns out, but just go with things and let it happen.

Creating an image, it is really easy to forget why we are creating in the first place, we often get very caught up with the result of an image and how people might think and judge our work. It prevents the full potential of our creativity.

I remember when I was young, I would draw in the restaurant napkins with my crayola crayons and markers. As a kid, the result didn't matter at all, it was all about having fun because it meant the world to me to simply create.

When I was cleaning the house, I found some old books that I used as a kid, and i saw then, that I drew over anything that I would find around me.

Kids books, exercise books, sticker books, novels, bible. Everything that I was able to find in the house.

What happened to this excitement to create?


Tonight, I found an old book that I had around me.
It felt good to be carefree and draw to my heart's content, again. Just like the old days.

The feeling of using markers is fresh again, just like I did when I was young.

Drawing, drawing in a book that has been sitting around, an object that has been aging through time, there is a feeling of fragility and impermanence.


Heidi Alamanda said...

I can only imagine being in your position. It must be really hard to deal with:(
Rest in peace for your Mom, Peter. Hugs for you

TJ Lubrano said...

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I wish you all the strength and in the world! May she rest in peace and guide you on your journey through life.

It's fairly easy to lose yourself when time passes on. You learn a lot, but sometimes a look in the past is needed to Stay true to yourself. I'm glad you got in touch with the inner kid in you again and took out those markers ^_^!

Big hugs!

Lettie Lo said...

its hard to imagine what you are going through but i guess it's something that we all have to go through its just a matter of when. everything happens for a reason and many years later your whole family will reunite together once again :)

hugs *

Alex Chow said...

My condolences to you, your family, and all those affected by this, Peter.

Shane Smith said...

So sorry for your loss Peter. Grief is truly a universal emotion so hopefully you can find some comfort in the words of strangers, including mine;

My Wife's mother passed away two years ago this week. Like you and your mom they were very close and it was heartbreaking seeing my wife so lonely even though her whole family was there for support. But time really is a healer and I've seen the pain of grief gradually being replaced by fond memories and a new appreciation of life.

It's not easy, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if the darkness of these raw early days is obscuring it.

My thoughts are with you and your family.


Charles Santoso said...

Really sorry to hear about the news, Peter :( My condolences to you and your family. Be strong, man.

Best regards,

Loathsome said...

I'm very sorry for your loss and the sadness. I myself lost my grandfather this week. It wasn't as sudden, it was expected. I didn't know my grandfather too well, this I regret. I wish I knew him better and I wish I could feel the same emotions as the people around me, which I know thinks I'm as sad as them.. makes me feel awkward and pressured.

So in that regard, it's almost good that you feel the sadness. The ones that love a lot, will suffer a lot. It's just an confirmation that you were close to her and you loved her greatly.

And as you, I've tried to find something to learn from by all this. And for me that was to always be close to the people that you care for, because life is short and sometimes things happen all of the sudden and you think "what did I do with all this time?". So I've learnt to value my time more and that I share this time with people I care for.

I hope you feel better soon.

- Conny

Michelle said...

I'm so, so sorry. It's pretty apparent your mother had such a great impact on your life and your entire life's work, there's no way she could ever not be with you. I'm sure she'll always be alive in your inspiration.

Lettie Lo said...

today i was thinking about you, and not everyone are close to their mother, or family. its a blessing that you two were tight! and that will forever give you strength. god bless ;)

Chanp said...

Thank you everyone for your kind and caring words, they mean a lot to me. I really hope to be able to get through this and remember the great times and memories. It will definitely take some time, but overtime, i will try my best to stay strong and heal.

Please take care.

Rafael Sarmento said...

Oh wow man, I just figured out what happened... it's beyond words for me, to express my condolences Pete... My words are limited to support you, but deep down in your heart, gather the strenght to get up, and move on with your life.
All my best wishes for you and your family, I know how hard is to loose a parent (I lost my dad years ago), so, my energy is with you man. Keep on uplifting our hearts and minds with your wonderfull work, and be the best man you can be.

Chanp said...

Rafael - thank you for the kind words and encouragement. I will definitely try my best. These days, painting has been helping a lot. So just gotta keep making work